It’s a romantic notion: “the two will become one flesh.” It’s certainly our inclination in the heady days of new love. Oh, we want to spend every moment together. Oh, what pleasure to trip through life hand-in-hand. Where do you want to go, honey? Wherever YOU want to go, of course.
As the divine madness eases, as it inevitably will, the two-become-one notion seems less compelling: Yeah, I’m really not that into watching kitty videos, sweetie. Another game of Frisbee football with your friends; you know I’m getting tired of trying to get grass stains out of my best jeans. I have absolutely no interest in a movie that stars explosive devices.
It’s not a sign of fading love when lovers want to do different things and spend time apart from each other. In fact, the ability to be independent is a sign of a strong and mature relationship, a statement that the partners are confident that they can head off in different directions and return to find one another eager for togetherness.
You started out as individuals
After all, when you met you were two distinct individuals. You had your interests and friends and desires, as did your partner. It’s what made you fascinating to each other in the first place, all those unfamiliar skills and passions, unexpected hobbies, new ideas.
Chances are you’ve recruited one another into new experiences that you both continue to enjoy together – salsa-dancing, enthusiasm for a sports team, exploring new foods. That’s one of the great benefits of your individuality, bringing variety to your relationship.
It’s delightful when you can share, but there are going to be interests that just don’t appeal to both of you. You might feel that you should give up on those interests. Isn’t love all about sacrificing for each other? Certainly, putting another’s interests ahead of your own is a sign of your consideration and can make both of you feel good. Balance is the key.
It’s all about balance
If you reclaim some independence but your partner remains focused on your activities, desires and interests, the relationship is bound to be out of balance. You may feel smothered and overly responsible for your partner’s happiness. Your partner will likely begin to feel resentful – I’m doing all the giving here and you’re doing all the taking.
The balancing act is complicated by the fact that we are marrying later in life. You’ve likely had some years of living on your own, making your own decisions, filling your days as you want and so has your partner.
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The magic formula
So, the formula for how much time you spend alone and together? There is no formula, no rule that works for all or even most couples. Your relationship is as unique as you are as individuals. The solution is to talk it out, negotiate. Let your partner know how much time you need on your own. Listen to your partner’s needs. Agree to discuss it again if either of you begins to feel dissatisfied.
Off you go to enjoy experiences on your own, collect stories to tell one another. Take a class. Catch up on what’s happened in your friends’ lives. Discuss a book your partner might want to read. The time you spend apart gives each of you the rich stuff of life to share.
The going apart is only half of the dance you’re doing, though. Reconnecting is as important. Ritualize your coming together in a way that’s just yours. Celebrate the excitement of rediscovering each other, every day.
