Being a people-pleaser might not appear to be a bad thing, on the surface. After all, what’s wrong with wanting to help others? But, real people-pleasing goes far beyond lending a helping hand. True people-pleasers often go out of their way for others at the expense of their own well-being.
Living this way can lead to a variety of physical and mental health issues, including burnout, fatigue, anxiety, and depression.
Setting boundaries is essential if you’re a people-pleaser, but it’s often easier said than done, especially when you would rather make others happy than deal with conflict or feel any kind of disappointment. But, taking care of your own needs is crucial.
Let’s take a closer look at why setting boundaries is so important, and what you can do to effectively put them in place.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries are essential in any healthy relationship, whether you’re setting them with a romantic partner, a family member, or at work. When done correctly and respectfully, boundaries aren’t designed to offend anyone or create any kind of discord. Rather, they can actually improve relationships while helping you maintain your well-being.
For a people-pleaser, boundaries are especially important. For starters, they will help you maintain your sense of identity. It’s easy to lose yourself as you give to others at your own expense. That’s especially true in a romantic relationship, where your identity can quickly become overshadowed by the needs and wants of your partner.
Setting boundaries also encourages open, honest communication. By keeping your needs to yourself, you’re likely fostering anxiety and stress, and creating a closed-off relationship. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions and your desires, both in professional and personal settings. Doing so will open the door of communication and create a mutual respect in all of your relationships.
Most people-pleasers will do whatever it takes to avoid conflict, but setting boundaries is actually one of the best ways to do that. By openly communicating your needs, you’ll avoid discord. It will keep conflicts from getting worse and keep you, personally, from potentially resenting someone you have a relationship with.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Even if you understand the benefits of boundaries, it can be challenging for a people-pleaser to put them in place. Challenging, but not impossible. Start by reflecting on what it is you really need in any given relationship. Understand your limits, the things that are important to you, and where you need to say “no.”
When it comes to communicating your boundaries, be firm and clear. Use “I” statements, rather than playing the blame game. Expressing what you need clearly and effectively is the best way to get others to listen and respect those needs.
Finally, make sure you’re consistent. Once you have boundaries in place, stick to them and make sure they’re being enforced. If you don’t, old habits will start to creep in, and people may take advantage of you. Or, you might start to give in more often than not, and go back to your people-pleasing ways.
If you’re having a hard time setting boundaries, no matter the setting, it’s okay to reach out for help. Therapy can be a great way to understand why you tend to be a people-pleaser. It might have something to do with insecurities or something that occurred in a past relationship. When you understand where those tendencies come from, you can start to work on them more effectively.
Therapy can also help you learn how to set boundaries in healthy ways. You don’t have to do this on your own. If you’re interested in learning more, feel free to contact me for a consultation for men’s counseling.
