Okay, you’ve made it – found the right person to share your life with and set yourself abuzz with the excitement of falling in love. You’ve learned all that you need to know about each other, worked out any conflicts, shared your baggage, and agreed to set it aside. Time to take a deep breath of relief and just let your life together unfold.
Unfortunately, taking it easy isn’t going to keep your marriage healthy for long. Daily life together almost inevitably threatens a relationship, from the grit of small annoyances (Hair in the sink again!) that causes withdrawal by small degrees, to big boulders of disagreement, disappointment, and hurt that land between you and seem immovable. If you aren’t consciously tending to your relationship, you can easily end up on opposite sides of a lonely gulf.
Signs that you’ve reached that unhappy place of disconnection include:
· Not communicating: You may speak using the same tender phrases, but if you or your partner shies away from discussions of awkward issues or painful topics, you’re not communicating in a healthy and useful way.
· Living separate lives: You share a house key, but if you each fill your time with separate activities and friends, if you carve out separate areas when you’re both home, if you’ve lost interest in each other’s worries, pleasures, or daily news, you’re living as roommates and missing the joy of a shared life.
· Criticizing: What’s the last pleasant comment you made about your partner? When did he or she last tell you how great you are at something, anything? When you can’t think of anything positive to say, chances are you’re both trying to express resentment or anger that you’re too scared to confront directly.
· Selfishness: Giving whatever your partner needs or wants is a way of expressing love and appreciation; self-centeredness shows that you don’t expect to receive anything and resent your partner for that loss.
· Living in the present: When a relationship feels doomed, it’s hard to think or talk about your future as a couple. Dreams and plans for your next vacation or a new home or life without kids capture the excitement and potential of life, but require a commitment that you’ll be together to enjoy the outcomes.
What can you do to make things better? Pretty much a conscious reversal of the above list.
· Opening your heart: When you met, chances are you both made yourselves available to the other. You told your secrets, shared your fears, and talked on and on about your hopes and expectations. Dependence can bring a fear of loss; hurt, unintentional or not, raises defensive barriers; changes in one partner or both brings on confusion. You can overcome all these impediments with courage and willingness to rediscover the person your fell in love with, and the person you were at that time.
· Sharing: Rediscover your love of dancing, invite your partner to a movie, or visit a favorite fishing hole. You once had a lot of fun together; you can return to those activities or share something brand new that you both enjoy. Take a walk together every evening and share the conversation that will reconnect your daily lives.
· Think positive: Let go of the anger or resentment that has sharpened your tongue. Look closely. What do you love about this person? Tell them. Tell everyone. Tell yourself.
· Give: If you anticipate what will please your partner and meet those needs, chances are very good that you’ll get a similar generosity in return.
· Look ahead: Rediscover what you and your partner want from tomorrow and all the days to follow. Picture your future selves enjoying life’s potential together. You may return to the plans you made when you first found each other, or you may discover that your dreams have evolved into something even more wonderful.
This is work you can begin right now, this moment, and pursue with your partner. If you find yourself stuck at some point along the journey, a marriage counselor can clarify, encourage and, if necessary, referee as you return to your loving relationship.
Click here for more information on Couples Therapy.
