Marriage is all about sharing life events – the giddy joy of growing attraction, financial struggle or burgeoning wealth, sleepless nights with a sick child, pride in that child’s firsts, and the “we” of everything from “we live here” to “we celebrate this way” and “Remember when we went on that camping trip?”
So when a marriage is in trouble, chances are that’s a shared experience as well. After all, how feasible is it that one partner will successfully keep their concerns, resentments, and anger hidden? Unhappiness is contagious, and the causes of that unhappiness are likely another shared experience. Just as one person can’t be in a marriage, one person can’t be in an unhappy marriage.
Perhaps one of you is better at pretending there’s no problem. If your partner denies problems that are obvious and painful to you, you’re left feeling isolated on top of your misery. If you are the denier, stop and take an honest assessment of what’s going on.
Here are some signs your marriage is in trouble:
· Disagreements and disrespect: If you and your partner are fighting more than usual, if hurtful names spring to mind, if your arguments are escalating
· Withdrawal: If you and/or your partner look for excuses not to spend time together or, when you’re together, you don’t have substantial conversation
· Loss of affection: If you don’t automatically reach out to touch, hug, or kiss; if sex becomes a “have to” rather than shared pleasure
· Secretiveness or cheating: If your partner is MIA without explanation, if you have a new relationship that you don’t want to share, whether or not it’s gotten physical
· Depression: If you or your partner drops into a funk and can’t seem to snap out of it (we’re talking about situational depression here, not the sort of chemical depression that is a lifelong struggle)
If those symptoms sound familiar, chances are good your marriage is on a downhill slide. If you’ve been denying that they mean anything, you owe it to yourself and your partner to acknowledge the reality of your situation and start working together on a solution.
If your partner says all is well when you know it isn’t, you can model the strength to express what you see happening. This isn’t an invitation to a blame fest. You both created the good times and you are both responsible for the bad ones.
A counselor can be a great help at this stage. Friends mean well and can offer honest sympathy but they are likely to be biased toward one of you and to encourage that destructive blame. An uninvolved professional can look at the situation with clarity and the wisdom of experience with many troubled couples.
If your partner still is simply not ready to confront the problem, don’t give up. Although it eventually requires both partners to do the heavy lifting in your relationship, you can get started on your own. Take care of yourself – see a counselor on your own, get a massage if you feel stressed, or spend time with friends who can be supportive in a positive way. Be open with your partner about what you’re doing and that you are open for him or her to join you when they are ready. Meanwhile, remind yourself of what your relationship was like when it was good. Recall the person you fell in love with and be as generous as you can to the person they have become. If your partner sees you getting happier, well, happiness is contagious, too, and you’re likely to regain a partner to finish the healing together.
Click here for more information on Couples Therapy.
