Going into couples therapy is not an easy decision for most people. It requires you and your partner to take a number of difficult steps. First you must admit to yourself that there’s something wrong with your relationship and you don’t seem to be able to fix it on your own. Then, you have to find out if your partner is on the same page, at a time when it may be difficult for you to agree on anything. Then there’s the process of finding the right therapist. If you want to refine your search, you may have to admit to your doctor or friends that you’re having problems so they can provide a useful recommendation.
Beyond the logistics of getting into therapy, you or your partner may have beliefs about therapy that are keeping you from moving forward:
1. Somebody’s going to lose, and with my luck it will be me. When disagreement has become routine in your relationship, you may have come to think in terms of me-versus-you, with a winner and a loser the only possible outcome. The point of couples therapy, however, is finding a way for both of you to come out winners. It may not be the win you’re intent on right now (my way, all the way) but by talking in a safe and structured environment where each of you get to have your say and know that your partner is listening, you may find that there’s a solution that works for both of you.
2. The therapist will take my partner’s side. No one likes to be ganged up on, particularly when you’re dealing with sometimes painful emotional issues. Therapists are trained not to become sold on one partner over the other. If you feel there is bias, you’ve got the wrong therapist. The choice of your therapist is something you both should agree on from the beginning and if one of you becomes unhappy, it may be time to reconsider. You also have a responsibility to consider that there may be no bias and you are simply hearing something you don’t want to (but need to) hear.
3. It will kill our relationship. Talking to one another with the help of a therapist won’t do anything but clarify where your relationship already is. It’s a scary prospect that you may be heading toward a split, but it isn’t therapy that will cause that outcome. Therapy will help you clarify what’s going on and what you can do to improve your relationship. It is your best hope of staying together and getting happier together. If you continue as you are, ignoring the problem rather than confronting it, you may find that the third party in the room is a divorce attorney instead of a therapist.
4. I’ll have to talk about embarrassing things. Yep, you will have to be more vulnerable than you may be used to. That’s how relationships grow and become stronger. Be assured that your therapist isn’t going to tell your secrets to anyone and your partner is the person who most needs to understand what you are thinking and feeling. If you absolutely can’t bear to open up in front of the therapist, try agreeing to talk to your partner in private and report back on how the conversation went without revealing the content. That way at least the therapist may be able to improve your intimate conversations, and you and your partner will know each other better.
If your partner still balks at couples therapy, don’t give up. Individual therapy can help you understand the dynamics of your relationship and give you techniques to improve it. At the least, you’ll feel more grounded and empowered. Hopefully, your partner will recognize the growth you’re making and want to join in after all.
Click here for more information on Couples Therapy.
