If you’ve reached middle age and are in a long-term relationship, you’re already a winner on a couple of counts. But, there are unique challenges to maintaining a relationship as we age. Following are seven things to watch for and how to manage them.
1. Health problems
It’s almost inevitable as we age that something is going to go wrong health-wise. Even minor aches and pains can distract us from paying attention to our partner or make us pretty poor company. Concern about the health issues of a partner can also detract from the relationship. This is a time to be a little self-centered. Get plenty of exercise (exercising together is a great way to address two issues at once), eat well, and, if something doesn’t feel right, get to your doctor so you and your partner can feel your best and enjoy each other.
2. Cheating
The bad news is an estimated 40 percent of relationships in this country experience at least one cheating episode; the good news is half of those relationships survive the infidelity. Cheating in midlife is usually a result of the common complaint of midlife crisis: Is this all there is? I haven’t accomplished a fraction on what I planned. My gosh, look at me! In our dissatisfaction, we may blame the person who’s been beside us for so long and look for a replacement. Sometimes the rift is permanent, half the time the couple manages to recover. Their secret: communication, possibly some therapy, patience, and a huge dose of forgiveness on both sides.
3. Big life changes
We think of youth as the time of big life changes, but midlife can be just as chaotic. Our children grow up and leave home, they marry, and we are suddenly in the role of grandparent. Our own parents become dependent on us and eventually die. Retirement looms – will we have enough money, what will we do with our time? Each change, even the joyous ones, throws us a bit and challenges our settled concepts of ourselves and our lives. Weathering each change as it comes can inject stress into our relationships, but talking and working through each event together can ease the passage and even strengthen the relationship.
4. Sexual incompatibilities
By middle age, surely we have this worked out — right? However, like they did in puberty, our bodies go through changes at this time. Four percent of men 40 and older experience erectile dysfunction and 15 to 25 percent of men 65 and older do. Drugs do wonders in treating ED, but that additional change can create a misstep if the female member of the relationship’s interest in sex has faded (studies indicate that 50 percent of women do lose interest to some degree). Communication is key, and a conscious return to courtship (not just sex, but taking pleasure in one another’s company).
5. Communication breakdown
As we move through our lives together, we learn where dangerous topics lay. To keep the path smooth, we can develop the habit of tiptoeing around subjects we know will spark turmoil. We can change the subject, make a joke, or step back from our true feelings. The problem is, those dangerous topics are exactly the ones that need to be confronted and talked out. It may take the help of an outside counselor to finally get through those minefields so communication can be full, fearless, and honest.
6. Boredom
Let’s face it – how many thousand dinner conversations can we have without beginning to sound repetitive? How many times can we laugh at the same joke, share the same childhood memory, follow the same daily routine without feeling our relationship has gone a bit stale? The trick to keeping a relationship interesting is the same for keeping our individual life exciting: Try something new. Surprise yourself and your partner by taking up a new hobby, signing up for a class, or going somewhere completely unexpected. Explore every day.
7. Cycle of negativity
If we’re not careful, negative thoughts can cycle over and over through our mind: “This isn’t the life I planned to live and I’m running out of time to make it happen.” “This isn’t the perfect mate I thought I’d end up with. Just look at everything that’s wrong with my mate!”
Imperfections that seemed charming or at least tolerable in the beginning of a relationship can loom large over the years. Pointing them out can lead to reciprocation – “Yeah, well here’s what’s wrong with you!” – and your mutual dissatisfaction grows. It takes a conscious decision to reclaim the good in each other and the generosity to proclaim it to ourselves, our spouse, and whoever else will listen.
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